you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
