i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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