Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Randomize
