i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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