she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
