Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
