This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
