honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
