my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
