My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
