Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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