Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
