Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
