At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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