i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
