Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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