Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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