goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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