Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
