Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
