Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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