his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
We just shotgunned beers for America
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
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