dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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