In the future we'll all be gay
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
