From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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