WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Don't EVER smell your tampon
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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