my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
