I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
