You just made me feel so damn special
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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