I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Randomize
