Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
What changed your mind?
Being sober
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
