i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
