I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
