If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
