She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
