the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
