She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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