he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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