My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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