She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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