I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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