This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Randomize
