so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
