Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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