I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
