I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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