the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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