you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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