It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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