Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
