there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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