Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
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