You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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