Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
