Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
